This is what my dad told me in 2011.
Basically, I’m ‘always thinking.’ I struggle to relax and sometimes just to let loose. It’s just one of those things which I, let me say, picked up along the years. It’s something which I’ve had to do, but like everything else in this life, there’s pros and cons to it.
I must admit that a lot of the times I don’t like it. I’ll not do something then I get home and I replay the scene until I’m like ‘argh it’s done now.’ But in all honesty, I’m not happy. Feels like I’m in a constant twat with myself. There’s a side of me that wants everything to be stable, safe, make sense, a clear action and reaction. Then there’s another side that just wants to live without hesitation, forget about the questions and would rather laugh at the outcome, the side that has walked into tattoo parlours and walked out with tattoos, etc.
It’s all about balance really.
The past month has been an exciting month. I asked less questions, I laughed more, danced more, socialised more, ate whatever I wanted when I wanted, I’ve sat at the beach and just watched the waves and the kids without being self-conscious and pulling my stomach in, I sang more, shopped, I’m doing sales, I cut my hair (well a little), I basically just sat and breathed the air in. And I’d like to say that it’s been lovely!
No … wait, I’m not talking about completely losing it. I work, still love my cat to bits, still follow my gym schedule, still showering… I’m talking about saying to myself “Benita, it’s OK to just be you. It’s OK to go with the flow sometimes. Your life is not an equation which you need to answer correctly before the next section. It’s a life which needs to be lived to the fullest.”
As I sit here in front of my laptop, I’m thankful for parents. The one was a Doctor and Psychiatrist, the other an Artist, Lecturer and now in Management. I’ve seen both of you in me. But in the last year or so, I’m seeing more of me. I say thank you to my dad for that lecture, and thank you for those close to me. Can I say thanks to myself? Well I’m going to!
Well thank you Benita for allowing yourself to get out of your restricted zone and into a place where you can allow yourself happiness, and being comfortable with yourself and ideas. This is where you ought to be and don’t allow yourself to retreat back into those walls.
I’ve enjoyed this post of reflection. Now you know why I’ve been scarce.
Peace. Love. Light.
All here on Benita’s Laine :)