“Sometimes you just need to breathe the air in…”

This is what my dad told me in 2011.

Basically, I’m ‘always thinking.’ I struggle to relax and sometimes just to let loose. It’s just one of those things which I, let me say, picked up along the years. It’s something which I’ve had to do, but like everything else in this life, there’s pros and cons to it.

I must admit that a lot of the times I don’t like it. I’ll not do something then I get home and I replay the scene until I’m like ‘argh it’s done now.’ But in all honesty, I’m not happy. Feels like I’m in a constant twat with myself. There’s a side of me that wants everything to be stable, safe, make sense, a clear action and reaction. Then there’s another side that just wants to live without hesitation, forget about the questions and would rather laugh at the outcome, the side that has walked into tattoo parlours and walked out with tattoos, etc.

It’s all about balance really.

The past month has been an exciting month. I asked less questions, I laughed more, danced more, socialised more, ate whatever I wanted when I wanted, I’ve sat at the beach and just watched the waves and the kids without being self-conscious and pulling my stomach in, I sang more, shopped, I’m doing sales, I cut my hair (well a little), I basically just sat and breathed the air in. And I’d like to say that it’s been lovely!

No … wait, I’m not talking about completely losing it. I work, still love my cat to bits, still follow my gym schedule, still showering… I’m talking about saying to myself “Benita, it’s OK to just be you. It’s OK to go with the flow sometimes. Your life is not an equation which you need to answer correctly before the next section. It’s a life which needs to be lived to the fullest.”

As I sit here in front of my laptop, I’m thankful for parents. The one was a Doctor and Psychiatrist, the other an Artist, Lecturer and now in Management. I’ve seen both of you in me. But in the last year or so, I’m seeing more of me. I say thank you to my dad for that lecture, and thank you for those close to me. Can I say thanks to myself? Well I’m going to!

Well thank you Benita for allowing yourself to get out of your restricted zone and into a place where you can allow yourself happiness, and being comfortable with yourself and ideas. This is where you ought to be and don’t allow yourself to retreat back into those walls.

I’ve enjoyed this post of reflection. Now you know why I’ve been scarce.

Peace. Love. Light.
All here on Benita’s Laine :)

More and More by Israel and New Breed

All we want and all we need
is found in Jesus
All we ask is more of you
Nothing else can satisfy our hearts desire
All we want is more of you
For the Lord is good
And His love endures
Yes the Lord is good forever
And I’ll shout it out
from the mountain tops
Yes the Lord is good forever
We want you more and more
We want you more and more
We want you more and more
More and more

Something different

On Saturday morning, my friend and I hiked up Lion’s Head (Cape Town, South Africa)! Anyone who knows me will tell you that I don’t like hiking and secondly, that I don’t like being in the sun :p

But you know what, it was my first time going up Lion’s Head, I had a really good friend with me and I didn’t complain while hiking. The best part of it all is that this is the beginning of moving out of the stagnant phase which I’ve been in. There’s nothing better than acknowledging that one’s life has been stagnant and taking action!

I had to be honest with myself and say “you know, what exactly did I do last year?” and most importantly “what did I achieve?”

One thing that I’m really proud of is my weight loss journey, but I only started on that path once I won the trip to Thailand because I refused to go at my then current size and with low confidence levels. Sometimes I wonder if I would have put in the work to lose weight had I not had this trip in the pipelines… But anyway. Other than that, I worked but lounged around when I got home, everything I did seemed to be a dead end and I became complacent and too accepting of everything (especially of things which I didn’t want for myself).

As simple as this sounds, it comes down to me seeking and working towards that change. Nothing is going to be easy – the sun will be up and at its peak while trying to get back down from the top of the mountain, people will say ‘no’ or that you’re not quite the right fit for their company, unfortunately some of our hearts will be broken unexpectedly, and more sad is that in this life nothing is guaranteed and those (family/friends) who we love dearly will leave this world when we feel that we need them the most. The question that I now ask myself is “then what?”

And I’m so glad that I’ve finally asked myself this!

This is where beauty, smiles, creative, new thoughts and renewed energy lies! This is where life can begin to take a magical turn and you feel the universe working with you and not against you. This presents an opportunity to learn something new, try something, gain self-confidence and find our smiles that we’ve been hiding for too long.

I truly believe that despite what we’ve experienced or encounter, or hear in the news, pain we see around us, there is still good in this world. I’m glad that I’m seeing that again. All it takes is one small step to get out of the rut and routine…

Here’s to life on Benita’s Laine :)

Table Mountain

Table Mountain

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Going up... Almost there!

Going up… Almost there!

Glorious!

Glorious!

We each had a pancake when we got to the top :p

We each had a pancake when we got to the top :p

I made it :D

I made it :D

Making our way back down.

Making our way back down.

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Eve (2011) by Sandra Charles

A story set in Kensington, Cape Town, during the 1960s and 1970s. It’s a story about family and survival. It’s a painful read, yet it’s not unreadable. There’s a closeness that one feels towards Eve Forbes and her family, and even though I haven’t experienced what was in the book first hand, it was still somewhat relatable and you go through each essential chapter of her life as if you were right there next to her all along.

Charles does an incredible job in building the plot and Eve’s life. So much so, that after the 381 pages and when sitting on the analyst couch, one would say “aha, that’s where the problem started, and when such desires and behaviours began to take form.”

It’s a book that does away with gender divisions, and it’s also a powerful and triumphant story written by a South African author, and I think that we should support her.

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2 moving quotes which came right at the end:

“I’ll have to accept the fact that it’s hard for her to change. I’ll change for us.” – page 379

Truth and power in this line.

“Like so many times before, I couldn’t tell how I felt. Maybe one day in this new world some parts of me would come back to life and tell me how I felt.” – page 381
When you’re used to being still in times of pain, that you don’t allow yourself to be present and go through the process, the auto pilot takes over. The problem is that it becomes a constant. There comes a time where things need to be faced head on. Give yourself that time.

I thought that this was a beautiful read and it definitely made an impact. I felt something. This novel comes highly recommended.

Love, peace and light on Benita’s Laine!