As the year fast approaches the end, my energy and zeal for life has been slowly slipping away with it.
All I wanted to do was eat and sleep, eat and watch TV then sleep. I dragged myself to work, forced myself to wake up with the help of 8 to 10 alarms each morning. Thanks to Yardley, I looked pretty much okay once I left my flat, but I counted the hours until I could eat and sleep again.
I feel liked I failed this year.
Work was rough.
My health could have been way better. In fact, I had flu about 4 times this year. My back and shoulders have been a consistent issue. Not to mention how I battled with insomnia. Exercising has been a chore and the “it’s a lifestyle” mentality went out the window. I am always tired. It’s official: I have raccoon eyes.
I cried so many times. I felt heartache in so many ways. I held back the tears at many ‘inappropriate’ places and times.
I worked on my friendships but was it enough?
What have I actually achieved in 2015? It just feels like another year down the drain. I look back at a couple of months to now, and I can’t even bring myself to truly admit what happened.
At the centre of it all was my work and my emotions. If I wasn’t exhausted from my 8h00 -19/20h00, I’d be in bed cuddling with Barry until I unfortunately had to find him a new home. My emotions drained my energy and my spirit. At times I look at my reflection or my photos and I see sadness.
What helps me are my check ins with my Dad, my usual night events with my friends, my bed and my drives in the city.
How did I get this way?
That’s what I ask myself. At times I reach out, but I’ve grown accustomed to this. Sometimes I hear my mother’s voice and I remember her words, “you like to feel miserable.”
I wouldn’t say that I like this feeling, but I do think that I’m a miserable soul. A feeling which comes in waves. Many years ago I learnt how to keep it together, I mastered the “I don’t have time for this crap” attitude. I’ve grown tired of this.
2016 is days away. I don’t know why I’m still writing for Benita’s Laine, I don’t know why you still read my posts.
If you have been feeling this way, you are not alone. What is your comfort? Who is part of your support system? What do you seek?
I don’t want this.
Even if I can just reel in happiness in just one area of my life, I’ll continue to seek it out each day.
Do that too. Please.
With all you’ve got.
May 2016 bring contentment, a renewed heart and rejuvenated smile.