Sometimes when I become self-consumed and consumed in my daily life and all stress or joys which I experience, everything that I do, see or feel is just there, right in front of me. I process situations or feelings on my own, seeking no help from others or from God. All of it is just there, draining my time, sleep and energy.
The universe and its timing, however, is incredible. It’s magical, understanding and perceptive. Something which we take for granted more often than not.
On Tuesday, the 3rd of June 2014, I was sitting in my car with two new found friends listening to music and copying a series onto my laptop. We had just had dinner, the conversation got away with me and I forgot that I wanted to share a story about ‘why I still choose God,’ and I suddenly remembered and I shared my story. I’d also like to share it with you today.
I had stopped going to church and praying in my second year of university, 2008. I had been told to be patient, that God hears, answers accordingly and that He will only test us to a certain point because He knows each of His children and their limits. I got to a stage where I was tired, frustrated, hurt and angry with God. So I stopped believing and I told my mother not to expect me to go to church on Sundays or anything that required my time for fellowship or prayer.
Three days before she passed away, I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t have peace. Funny thing is, I had seen her that afternoon, she was sitting up, was jovial and she said that she’ll “be back home soon.” I got up from bed that night and called the hospital where she was and asked one of the nurses in that particular ward how she was doing. The nurse asked me stay on the line, after a minute or so she picked up the phone again and told me that she’s fine and that she was asleep. At the end of the call, I still couldn’t sleep. I found myself crying and looking for a scroll which she had given to me on my 10th birthday. It was titled ‘I believe in you.‘ It had a very empowering message which I didn’t quite understand when she gave it to me, but I knew that night what it meant and that I needed to follow through, that now is the time. Eventually I found it (I wasn’t that organised back then).
The next day, I arrived at work and I found myself crying at my work desk. I pulled myself together and continued on with my day.
On the 10th of September 2011, I was lying back on my bed waiting for our helper to finish cleaning so that I could go to see my mother at the hospital. While waiting, I heard a voice say to me “read John 14:15-31.” I don’t remember ever reading that passage before that day. I sat there for a while and thought that I was being silly, because for so many years before that day, I had waited, prayed and fasted so that I could hear a word from God. Eventually I stood up and got my Bible. Basically, Jesus is telling His disciples that He is going to die, but that they should not be afraid because He will not leave them alone on this earth. That instead, the Holy Spirit will dwell inside of them to give them peace, hope, to guide, to teach and to comfort them.
In that very moment I knew.
I went to the hospital and my mother literally said her goodbyes, and I had said mine. She passed away the next day.
I chose God once again.
What I know now is that God is mindful of me. And before the 3rd of June 2014 I seemed to have forgotten that. I’d been making all of these decisions which I feel I could have handled better, plans for my own procedure at the hospital, organising everything at work, home, etc. and I realised just how afraid I was of hospitals due to my past experiences. But there I was telling my new found friends my story, and I had my own revelation.
I am not alone.
I have been showered by such love from my father when he was here (not to say that he’s not normally like that), the nurses in the hospital, the other patients whom I shared a ward with, my land lord and lady, colleagues, my manager and friends, even my cat has been more patient with me in the past two weeks. I realised that I had closed myself up so much, that I had to let down my guard because the truth is I really did need help. For one, I don’t like having visitors at my place, but do you know how many people I’ve had to direct to my place and open the door to lately? Then it’s the issue of calling someone up and saying “hey…. could you help me with…” and having to be honest about how I was feeling, because normally ‘I’m fine’ and ‘don’t need anything.’
That is God’s love and His love through people.
He is mindful of me.
Here’s to love, conversations with loved ones and those subtle reminders right here on Benita’s Laine.